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Table of Contents
- The Conversation Couples Never Have
- What Poor Sleep Does to a Relationship
- Why We Sleep Together at All
- Why Women Sleep Worse When Sharing a Bed
- The Taboo of Separate Beds
- Sleeping Apart Without Falling Apart
- If Separate Bedrooms Aren't Possible
- Sleep Divorce FAQs
It is a modern societal belief that when you are in a relationship, you should share a bed and sleep with your partner. The problem is that, as the sociologist Jenny Hislop wrote: 'by being in a couple relationship, an individual's biological needs and right to a good night's sleep are potentially in conflict with both the needs of their partner and a commitment not to disturb their partner's sleep.'
This conflict has led many couples to sleep separately, a phenomenon social media has dubbed 'sleep divorce'. It is an unfortunate phrase, as divorce has wholly negative connotations, whereas, as this article will argue, sleeping separately can actually be good for your health and your relationship.
The Conversation Couples Never Have
For many couples, there is a subject that is seemingly never discussed. We seem unwilling to confront issues such as bedtime and wake-up times, bedtime routine, which side of the bed to sleep on, whether to have the windows open or closed, the temperature of the bedroom, whether the heating is on or off, what type of duvet, mattress and pillows to have, whether physical contact during the night is preferable, the response to snoring and other behaviours during the night, and, for parents, who gets up for the children during the night.
Because these are rarely negotiated in an adult manner, when they do become an issue and sleep is disrupted, they can become sources of conflict and resentment between partners. Reaching an agreement, or at least a compromise, on these issues is therefore important to achieving a good night's sleep that accommodates each partner's needs.
Moreover, physical aspects of your partner's sleep may disturb you, including snoring, fidgeting, tossing and turning, repeatedly getting up for the bathroom, kicking during the night and fights over the duvet. All of these can happen nightly and can really affect your sleep and, more importantly, how you feel and perform during the day.
What Poor Sleep Does to a Relationship
Poor sleep has been shown to negatively affect key aspects of your relationship. A study showed that even for those who were normally good sleepers, a single night of poor sleep was associated with increased conflict the next day. Just one partner needed a bad night's sleep for the relationship to suffer.
The worse couples slept, the less empathy they showed towards their partners and the more negative feelings they had. When sleepy, couples also found it harder to resolve differences, and poor sleep made partners feel more selfish and less able to appreciate and feel gratitude toward their partner. Researchers also found that couples with different sleep-wake routines (an early riser married to a night owl, for example) experienced more conflict, spent less time in shared activities and conversation, and were intimate less often than couples whose sleep-wake habits were more aligned.
Conversely, better sleep at night predicts less negativity between partners the following day, and positive daily interaction between partners actually predicted better sleep quality at night.
In 2005, I co-authored a paper with friends in the Sociology Department at the University of Surrey that investigated couples' sleep. We found that much of your sleep disturbance is caused by your bed partner.
Why We Sleep Together at All
But surely, it is natural to sleep together, you say. However, humans are the only animals that chose to sleep together for 'intimacy'. Sleeping together is essentially a modern, predominantly European phenomenon brought about simply by our humble dwellings. Indeed, throughout history, only poor people have really slept together.
Until the Tudor period, poor people slept on the floor around the fire; men, women, children, animals, and even passing travellers all bedded down together on sacks stuffed with straw, horsehair, and fragrant plants (to keep the bugs away). Most 'houses' at this time were simple constructions with a fire in the middle of the main room; the smoke escaped through the thatched roof. This layout made the upper part of the room smoky, so the upper floor wasn't habitable.
Only when we started building chimneys from non-flammable materials, i.e. bricks, could we safely vent smoke out of the house, which then allowed us to build another floor. This additional space allowed us to build permanent beds as a piece of furniture for the first time, and these were placed in what became called the 'bedroom'. Previously, we would have had nowhere to store the beds during the day. Often, two bedrooms were constructed: one for the numerous children and one for the parents and any newborn child, although adults still slept in single beds.
Only in Victorian times, with increasing prosperity, did double beds become an accepted way to sleep. An important driver for this change was the desires of Victorian men who wanted to share the bed with their wives rather than the child doing so; as the historian Hilary Hinds puts it, the double bed symbolised the 'extraordinary Victorian commitment to reproduction'.
Why Women Sleep Worse When Sharing a Bed
It would seem that women have worse sleep than men when they co-sleep because women are essentially reacting to the man in the bed in the same way she would do to an infant, monitoring their breathing and their movements to ensure that nothing is wrong. This is then further complicated by the fact that she is monitoring her infant, who is now remote from her.
Sociologists at the University of Surrey found that women prioritise their partner's sleep over their own, to the point that a woman's 'concern for her partner's well-being may include responsibility for his sleep, inciting feelings of guilt if she inadvertently disturbs this sleep'.
The Taboo of Separate Beds
As discussed earlier, your bed partner can significantly contribute to your poor sleep, so you may consider sleeping in separate beds or bedrooms. But remember, sleep is, by its very nature, one of the most selfish things you can do; you cannot share it with anyone.
But many of you, I am sure, will be thinking, 'I could not possibly sleep separately from my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, which would be the end of our sex life/intimacy/relationship/marriage'.
There are plenty of 'experts', such as psychotherapists, couples' therapists, relationship experts and the person off the TV, who will authoritatively state something along the lines of 'it's not natural to sleep apart and to do so would be the end of your sex life/intimacy/relationship/marriage'.
Social stigma has led to the feeling that sleeping separately is somehow a taboo, something you don't mention in polite company.
Sleeping Apart Without Falling Apart
Advice to sleep separately isn't for everyone; if you are happy with your sleeping arrangements, there is no reason to change. However, if your bed partner repeatedly disturbs your sleep and it affects how you feel during the day, you may consider separate beds or bedrooms.
Not sleeping together, if it works for you both, is a mature, pragmatic solution and has no bearing on the strength of your relationship. Potentially, sleeping separately will help you sleep better and feel happier. Of course, sleeping apart can neglect intimacy, so it's key to ensure the intimate side of the relationship, both pillow talk and physical intimacy, remains central. This may take a bit of effort, but it is definitely worth it.
As an advocate of separate sleeping, I would ask why, after the intimacy, the pillow talk, the cuddles, don't you slip out of bed and go to your own room to sleep if you know that your, or your partner's, sleep is going to be disrupted by remaining in the bed together? You've both enjoyed the fun parts of sharing a bed; now it's time to be sensible and prioritise your sleep.
Jennifer Adams and I, in our book 'A Sleep Divorce: How to Sleep Apart, Not Fall Apart: How to Get a Good Night's Sleep and Keep Your Relationship Alive', offer a comprehensive guide to deciding whether to sleep in separate beds.
If Separate Bedrooms Aren't Possible
If you cannot have separate bedrooms, consider a bigger bed or separate beds; this will keep you away from your partner's movements, but it won't stop the annoying noises they make. Also, don't compromise on bedtimes and wake times to fit in with your partner; go to bed when you are sleepy and get up when you want to.
Sleeping separately may not be for everyone, but if your partner disturbs your sleep, it may be a pragmatic solution that improves your sleep, your relationship, your health and your wellbeing.
Sleep Divorce FAQs
What is a sleep divorce?
A sleep divorce is the term social media has given to couples who choose to sleep in separate beds or separate bedrooms so that each partner can sleep undisturbed. The name is unhelpful, because divorce implies a relationship in trouble, whereas sleeping apart is usually a practical decision made by couples who are otherwise perfectly happy. It simply means prioritising sleep over the convention of sharing a bed. Many couples who sleep separately report sleeping better and feeling more rested during the day.
Is it bad for a relationship to sleep in separate beds?
There is no evidence that sleeping apart, where it works for both partners, weakens a relationship. The research points the other way: a single night of poor sleep increases conflict between partners the next day, reduces empathy and makes it harder to resolve differences. Couples who sleep well tend to be kinder to one another. What matters is that intimacy, both physical closeness and conversation, is deliberately kept at the centre of the relationship rather than left to chance.
Why do couples sleep in the same bed?
Sharing a bed is a relatively recent social habit rather than a biological need. For most of history, only the poor slept together, bedding down as households on straw-filled sacks around a single fire. Permanent beds and bedrooms arrived once brick chimneys allowed houses to have an upper floor, and even then adults generally slept in single beds. The double bed only became the accepted norm in Victorian times, with growing prosperity and the wishes of Victorian husbands to share a bed with their wives.
Does sharing a bed affect how well you sleep?
Yes, often considerably. Research into couples' sleep carried out at the University of Surrey in 2005, which Dr Neil Stanley co-authored, found that much of a person's sleep disturbance is caused by their bed partner. Snoring, fidgeting, trips to the bathroom, kicking and tussles over the duvet can all happen nightly. Women appear to be affected more than men, partly because they tend to monitor their partner during the night and to prioritise his sleep over their own.
How do you sleep apart without losing intimacy?
The approach Dr Stanley recommends is to keep the enjoyable parts of sharing a bed and separate only for the sleep itself. Go to bed together for the intimacy, the pillow talk and the cuddles, then move to your own room once it is time to sleep if you know that staying would disturb one of you. This takes a little effort and an honest conversation, but it keeps the intimate side of the relationship central. Sleeping apart is a decision about sleep, not about the relationship.
What if there is no spare bedroom?
If a second bedroom is not an option, a bigger bed or two separate beds in the same room will keep you clear of your partner's movements, though not of the noises they make. It also helps not to compromise on bedtimes and wake times to suit your partner: go to bed when you are sleepy and get up when you are ready, rather than lying awake to keep to someone else's schedule. Small changes of this kind can improve sleep without any change to the bedroom at all.
